WASHINGTON, D.C. — As a sign of ongoing commitment and support for Ukraine in its war against Russia, American President Joe Biden has announced he is officially canceling the 2024 elections.
"If it's the right move for Zelensky, it's the right move for us," Biden said when the announcement was made. "With the current state of hostilities between Ukraine and Russia, it's vital that we maintain continuity of leadership…here in the United States, I mean. Suspending the 2024 elections will ensure I stay in office and the war machine keeps churning in Ukraine. Butter pecan!"
Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky drew attention this past week by suspending elections in the country, citing Ukrainian laws that require elections to be held during peacetime. "It would be both illegal and unethical for us to hold elections now," Zelensky said. "We cannot hold elections until the war is over, and the war cannot be over until I have completed my collection of sports cars, gold jewelry, and rare Funko Pop figures. We will continue to fight the evil Russian invaders to keep this a free and democratic nation, and anyone who questions my decision will be eliminated."
Since the war began, Zelensky has consolidated all Ukrainian TV outlets into one state-run broadcast, dissolved opposing political parties, and sought to outlaw the Ukrainian Orthodox Church — all of which have provided great inspiration for Biden. "That guy really knows how to run a free country, folks," Biden said of Zelensky. "My administration hopes to follow his great example. Where am I, again?"
At publishing time, Zelensky had granted himself additional emergency powers, declared himself Emperor, and announced the creation of a clone army.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
