HOLLYWOOD, CA — Following the release of the latest chapter in the Indiana Jones series, Hollywood producers worry they're running out of cherished classic movie heroes to turn into sad, pathetic, old failures.
"Indiana Jones is the cultural icon of virility and energy," Jackson Jones, producer at LucasFilms Ltd., said. "What we've done in the latest movie is create an Indiana-Jones-esque character that's just sort of a flaccid old cranky bummer who sucks at life. It makes us wonder: what other beloved movie characters can we neuter and ruin? Don't worry, we're on the hunt!"
Disney producers have announced they're also searching for more old characters to turn into sad parodies of themselves.
"Luke Skywalker was a hero for the ages," Lucasfilm Producer Kathleen Kennedy told reporters. "We're proud of the way we took his character and just ground it into dust, poured gasoline on the dust, lit that dust on fire, and then urinated on the ashes before shoveling up the remains and flushing them down the toilet, after which we condemned everyone who hated what we did to the character as a racist. Ha! Classic!"
Three new Indiana Jones movies are in the works, including a storyline that sees Indy fighting for the good seat at bingo night and failing everyone who ever depended on him in his life. The films will also star Phoebe Waller-Bridge as a delightfully insufferable know-it-all who is good at everything all the time.
At publishing time, sources confirmed there were still some Luke Skywalker fans out there, leading Lucasfilm to announce a Star Wars reboot that will recast Luke as a Communist black trans woman.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
