WASHINGTON, D.C. - In place of the death penalty, the federal government has unveiled an even worse punishment: sending criminals on a two-week-long family road trip.
The nation's worst criminals will be freed from prison, reunited with their wife and kids, and sent on a two-week-long trip across the country. If the criminal does not have a wife and kids, one will be provided at taxpayer expense.
"It's a fate worse than death," Attorney General William Barr said. "From driving through the night to looking for a bathroom every 5 minutes, the criminal will be tortured every step of the way. Whether they're threatening to turn the car around as their kids ask if the vehicle has arrived at its destination for the thousandth time or they're breaking down a hundred miles from civilization, every second of the road trip will be a time for them to think on their crimes."
Barr then threw back his head and cackled maniacally.
Should the criminal survive the road trip, he will be free to go. Estimates suggest that nearly 100% of criminals who survive the torture will be "like a new man." However, authorities believe the vast majority will take their own lives before the experience is over.
The move was immediately condemned by thousands of human rights advocacy organizations.