CALIFORNIA—Following California's recent plagues of darkness and fire, the Pacific Ocean turned to blood this morning, sources on the coastline confirmed.
"Well, this can't be a good sign," said one man as he went out and saw the crimson waves. "At first I thought it was just the old San Onofre power plant dumping out radioactive waste again, but I got closer and it looked like blood. Then, I figured it was just a murdered hobo, but there was way too much blood. You'd have to have killed at least a thousand hobos, and that hasn't happened out here since the '90s."
"So it looks like it's a sign from the heavens. Not good!"
The man then tried to rent a U-Haul, but they were sold out of their 10-foot, 15-foot, and 26-foot models, and their popular new War Rig was backordered until December. "Looks like I'll be making this trek on foot," he said as he put a Nerf revolver in his belt (regular guns are banned) and started across the desert.