PELENNOR FIELDS, GONDOR — After receiving new marching orders from Sauron Campaign HQ at Barad-dûr, the orcs of Mordor have gone to the media in a coordinated effort to broadcast the message that the upstart king Aragorn is "just plain weird and creepy."

The orcs have gone on ABC, CNN, and MSNBC programs to point out how Aragorn, son of Arathorn II, is "super weird" for things like being a nomadic ranger in the north, going by his alias of Strider, and being able to speak Elvish languages like Quenya and Sindarin fluently.

"Who lives in the wilderness and changes their name?" asked Grothbarg. "Like seriously, who does that? That's weird."

"You learn a lot about a fellow by the sort of company he keeps," chimed in another Uruk named Snarlgrat. "Aragorn and his pals came running in with an army of dead spirits — that's really weird and creepy if you ask me."

"And he tells everyone he is 87 years old, but looks to be only middle-aged!" continued Snarlgrat as host Jen Psaki nodded along. "Did you know that he spent 30 or 40 years running around with the shards of a sword in his sheath? That's just plain weird!"

At publishing time, Aragorn had pledged to make Gondor great again, pointing to his healing hands and his reforged sword as signs of his right to rule, but this only provided more things for the orcs to call "weird."

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