Are church funds running low? Not to worry! There's always money in the tithing basket if you work hard enough!
Here are some easy ways to increase tithing revenue:
Sell little slips of paper that guarantee a loved one can get out of purgatory quicker: A unique and innovative idea we just thought of.
Lock the doors and tell the congregation no one leaves to go watch Sunday football until your financial goals have been met: It's not false imprisonment if it's for the Lord.
Hold a White Dudes for Jesus fundraising Zoom call: Take a tip from the Kamala Harris handbook.
Put a Braveheart reference jar next to the pulpit and the pastor has to put a dollar in every time he quotes the movie: That thing will be overflowing by the end of the week.
Organize in a triangle-shaped structure where everyone recruits several people, and those people recruit several more people, and everyone gets a nice cut of their downline: We call this "multi-level gospeling."
Charge extra for aisle seats, exit rows, and first-class pews: The first-class pews are in the back of the church, of course.
Give an ultra-boring sermon and then pick the congregation's pockets while they're asleep: Probably easier than preparing a captivating sermon.
Look really sad when you pass around the offering plate: People always give money when they think you're sad.
Create a premium Church+ subscription service: You can offer perks like streaming puppet shows, 10% off in the book store, and occasional VIP meet and greets with the pastor.
Hire really strong ushers who are able to flip every congregant upside-down and shake all the change out of their pockets after the service: The good, old-fashioned shakedown method.
When you're finished, you'll easily be able to hide bags of cash totaling $600,000 inside the church walls for safekeeping. And that's what it's all about.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
