WASHINGTON, D.C.—Senate Republicans have acquitted President Trump in his impeachment trial, as both parties have reached an agreement. In the agreement, Trump will receive absolutely no punishment over the Ukraine phone call and in return Trump will not change his behavior in any way.
“I’m awesome. And I’m going to keep being awesome,” Trump told the Republicans. “So just make this go away, you dummies.”
Republicans seemed happy with the deal. “I told the president I was a little concerned about the appearance of quid pro quo with the Ukraine phone call,” said Senator Susan Collins, “and he looked me right in the eye and said, ‘Shut up, stupid.’ That’s all I needed to hear from him.”
There are some fears that Trump may go back on his part of the deal -- not changing his behavior in any way -- as there are now some indications that after acquittal he plans to become even more obnoxious.