UNITED STATES — The immigration crisis appears to be finally over after the Department of Homeland Security deployed a crack regiment of fraternity brothers to guard the southern border.
In a coordinated defensive maneuver that has been nicknamed Operation Uberchad by officials from Border Patrol, frat boys from around the country were helicoptered down south and dropped at all of the busiest illegal border crossings in the country to work alongside Border Patrol and National Guard units.
"After we saw the immovable wall of frat boys formed defending the American flag at UNC, the tactical advantage was obvious," said Lt. Mark Lopez of the Texas National Guard. "Don't let the prep boy attire fool you. These Dylans are tough."
"We're just normal dudes, bro," said Dylan, a frat boy sporting Chino shorts and a pastel Ralph Lauren polo shirt. "The job is pretty chill. All you have to do is stand here and not let peeps be mad disrespectful to your country."
"They are giving us free beer too. This is dope," said another frat boy, also named Dylan.
"It turns out that if you defend the border, people don't illegally cross the border," said one mystified political commentator on CNN. "We never thought about that before."
At publishing time, border expenditures on Brooks Brothers and Southern Tide attire had ballooned to $50 million per month, but officials estimate the cost to maintain the frat boys at the border is much cheaper than deploying more traditional military resources as before.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
