WASHINGTON, D.C. — A legislative stalemate appeared to be brewing on Capitol Hill as congressional Democrats put forth a resolution that demanded $40 billion to pay for UCLA student protest border security.
The measure, intended to use taxpayer funding to create a secure border around the violent mob of protesters gathered on UCLA's campus, included the building of a state-of-the-art border wall, as well as cameras, motion and thermal sensors, and the hiring of hundreds of armed guards to patrol the border and ensure no one crosses it illegally.
"The safety and security of these protesters is at stake," said House Minority Leader Hakeem Jeffries. "We cannot run the risk of having unidentified people entering the Gaza Liberation Autonomous Zone — many of them without any documentation — and just wandering around without knowing where they are going or what they are planning to do. Allowing people to do that would be irresponsible and a dereliction of our duty. It's too preposterous to even imagine."
Democrats in the Senate agreed. "The border must be secured," said Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. "Do you just let people walk in the front door of your home without knowing who they are? Of course not. Letting people walk right into the protest area unvetted and without any checkpoints or security measures in place is just asking for something horrible to happen. We must do everything we can to make sure we protect the protesters, their safety, their culture, and their way of life."
At publishing time, Democrats were negotiating a deal in which congressional Republicans would agree to tear down the existing wall along the southern U.S. border and place it around the UCLA protesters for protection.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
