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Worldviews
Illinois Welcome Signs Updated To Read 'Land Where You Can Decapitate An Infant With Impunity'

ILLINOIS—Multiple sources confirmed Tuesday that all the signs welcoming visitors to the state of Illinois have been updated to read "Land Where You Can Decapitate An Infant With Impunity."

The signs used to display the traditional state slogan, "Land of Lincoln." But since the state is now on the cusp of allowing abortions all the way up until and through the moment of birth, including the barbaric practice of infant decapitation, state officials said the new slogan is much more fitting.

"Lincoln probably wouldn't have been cool with something like this, just like most of humanity except the most pagan of societies in the history of mankind," said Governor J. B. Pritzker. "So we're taking his name off our signs and adding the bit about decapitating infants, which is much more in line with our modern values."

"To all those desperate mothers who live in backward states that don't allow this practice, we want to send a message and say your murderous instincts are welcome here."

Workers are also going to update the signs periodically with a running tally of how many brutal abortions the state has performed since the bill was signed into law.

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