FALLBROOK, CA — Local husband and father Hank Parsons stopped by the grocery store today on the way home "to pick up a few steaks to ruin for dinner," sources at the Parsons household confirmed.

"Hey, honey, I'm at Stater Bros.," he said to his wife over the phone, according to witnesses. "I'm just gonna pick up a couple of sirloin steaks and maybe a bone-in ribeye to just absolutely burn to a crisp before we decide to just order takeout."

Parsons carefully picked out steaks from the supermarket's meat section, examining the marbling, look, feel, and texture of each steak that he would later completely roast to an unrecognizable black piece of charcoal, forcing the family to seek other options for sustenance.

"Yeah, that one looks good," he said, holding up one of the sirloin steaks he'd fail to marinate properly, put on at the wrong temperature after struggling to light the charcoal briquettes, and leave on the grill for 37 minutes too long. "The perfect steak. I can't wait to crack open a cold one and completely destroy this guy."

At publishing time, Parsons had been seen carefully choosing the vegetables he'd forget about and leave in the fridge for three weeks before tossing out.

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