WASHINGTON, D.C. — After careful consideration, the Biden family announced that they have officially designated Hunter for assignment to make room for their 7th grandchild on the family roster.
"It was a tough call demoting Hunter to make room for what's-her-name," said President Biden. "I love my son, but we had to do what's best for the team."
After several years of having her existence denied, Biden's seventh grandchild suddenly joined the family roster on Friday in a shocking move. "Just last week, kindly old family man Joe Biden screamed obscenities at an aide for accidentally patching in a call from the granddaughter he'd disowned," said Chief of Staff Jeff Zients. "Word about the little girl had gotten out though, and apparently disavowing a four-year-old girl doesn't poll well with voters. Heck, that sort of thing wouldn't poll well in the depths of Hell. Anyhow, we can't have a little disowned granddaughter weighing Biden down in the polls. Welcome to the family!"
Unfortunately, the White House reported that to make room for the granddaughter, Hunter would have to be optioned off. "Hunter had a great run as a Biden," said Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "He contributed in literally millions of ways to the franchise. Still, no one can ignore the slump he's been in lately. It's dragging the team down, and it's time to part ways. We thank Hunter for all he's done for the Biden family and wish him well in his future endeavors."
At publishing time, Hunter had reportedly been charged with 732 felonies within a minute of losing the Biden family name.
Kamala Harris is out of a job, but luckily we've got ten great career options just for her.
