WASHINGTON, D.C. - A few days after the Biden Administration announced its new "Free Government Crack Pipes for Equity" program, the president's son Hunter was seen sneaking around the premises in a false mustache and glasses to see where he could get one for himself.
"Pssst! Hey you!" said Hunter to one White House staffer from behind a red curtain. "I'm the new... um... crack pipe inspector. Y'all know where I can get me one of them free government crack pipes, you know, to inspect it?"
The staffer pointed the strange-looking yet vaguely familiar man to a storage room in the West Wing where the President keeps all his extra crack pipes.
Experts say that distributing free crack pipes will make America a more racially equitable place somehow. When pressed over how this would work exactly, the experts demanded to stop being questioned due to them being experts.
Unfortunately, the crack pipes will not make it into the hands of poor drug-addicted Americans as they all mysteriously disappeared from the White house this morning.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.