School libraries are safe spaces for children to open their minds to the virtues of cross-dressing and Communism. But if you wrote a book about sea turtles and their wacky adventures you may find trouble getting your story approved by the librarian. You're going to need to update that timeless tale for a contemporary audience.
Here's what publishers say libraries are looking for:
- Douse it in glitter and blue lipstick: Librarians don't spend a lot of time reading so if the cover appeals to them you're in.
- Make sure there are no whites on the cover: Better yet, don't include whites at all.
- Include at least one pornographic description of a sexual act: Performed by barracudas.
- Consider adding dragons: Even if it's a book about World War II. Gay dragons are always welcome.
- Rainbows! Rainbows! Rainbows!: As long as you're not talking about Noah. That bigot.
- Dress in drag for the author's photo: You look fine.
- Get Yoel Roth to write a special foreword for your book: He's the arbiter of all knowledge.
- Have the story end with the destruction of the world due to climate change: If your parents had an electric car the dinosaurs would still be alive today.
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.