TALLAHASSEE, FL — A disturbing new study has confirmed that a record number of trans people are pretending to die in Florida under DeSantis, more than any other governor in American history.
"We have never seen pretend-death numbers like this," said Florida State University researcher Peg Dibbins, who headed up the study. "Governor DeSantis's fascism is putting more trans people in danger of making fake tombstones out of cardboard for themselves and pretending to be dead on the sidewalk from his policies than ever before."
"If this tragic trend continues, we might see three times more trans people getting pretend killed than we saw last year."
Sources within the trans community are also recording record amounts of pretend discrimination and pretend trauma in the years since the election of DeSantis. "Just the other day, the DMV refused to pretend to respect my pretend pronouns which made me feel so much pretend rage I pretended to die," said local man Sam Brown, who goes by the pretend name of Scarletta Brown. "Now I'm pretend dead, and it's all DeSantis's fault!"
At publishing time, sources had also found DeSantis was deporting a record number of immigrants pretending to be legal.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
