SAN FRANCISCO, CA — The San Francisco 49ers football team lost Sunday night in a heated overtime match against returning champions, the Kansas City Chiefs. The heartbreaking loss led to slightly more looting than a typical evening in the Golden City.
"It was absolute chaos! Stores looted, cars smashed, gangs of thieves roaming the streets. Then the Super Bowl started," said one San Francisco resident while hosing human feces off of her front porch. "After the loss, looting and lawlessness continued at about the same pace, maybe a little bit more."
The San Francisco police chief said the evening's criminal activity following the Super Bowl loss was too much for his 17 remaining police officers to handle, which, he added, was about the same as every night.
"Our diverse team of gender-fluid and species-fluid police officers put their hearts, souls, and tails into keeping the streets of San Francisco safe and clean, no matter how badly our football team chokes," He said.
At publishing time, the San Francisco Chief of Police was fired for attempting to arrest oppressed looters just trying to feed their families armfuls of 49ers apparel.
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