HOLLYWOOD HILLS, CA — Hollywood actresses are sounding the alarm over the undoing of Roe v. Wade, warning that if their right to abortion is stripped away they may have to hire expensive nannies to watch their unwanted children while they attend award shows.
"This is a disaster," said actress Jessica Chastain, who reads lines and occasionally disrobes onscreen in exchange for money and the occasional golden statue. "What will we do without our reproductive rights? THINK OF THE HOLLYWOOD STARS!"
"We aren't here for us," said actress Emma Watson. "We speak for less-fortunate B-list actresses who may only have a few million dollars, They risk missing awards shows, a fundamental human right, due to crippling childcare fees!"
Outside sources confirm that the Oscars, Golden Globes, and other prominent awards shows have suffered flagging ratings in recent years, but the statement confirmed the importance of Hollywood royalty being celebrated in person.
Childcare costs have climbed in recent years due to inflation, giving some credence to Hollywood's royalty and their concern that they may have to give as much as 3-4% of their income for nannies to watch their children they would be forced to carry to term against their will.
At publishing time, the actresses also warned of an even more terrifying danger, as their immigrant nannies might now start having children of their own, making them unavailable to babysit for award shows.
Michael Simmons' doctor tells him he's obese and needs to lose some weight - but the patient has the perfect comeback: he's pregnant!