Leaked: Hogwarts Files Reveal Dumbledore's Point System Totally Rigged
Politics · Dec 20, 2022 · BabylonBee.com

HOGWARTS — Leaked internal messages among the faculty at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry reveal clear collusion between the school's headmaster, Professor Albus Dumbledore, and Gryffindor House, which won the year-long contest for the House Cup. The house, which had been trailing in points behind Slytherin, suddenly gained 170 points at the very last minute, awarded to them by none other than Dumbledore himself.

"Dumbledore was a member of Gryffindor when he was a student at Hogwarts and his loyalty has never faded," reported Rita Skeeter in a bombshell exposé for The Daily Prophet. "Owl messages intercepted at the school show a concerted effort to favor Gryffindor, possibly as a favor to Harry Potter, a new student celebrity who was sorted into Gryffindor."

"This is an outrage!" said first-year Slytherin student Draco Malfoy. "The boy who lived? More like the boy who cheated!"

Rumors persist that Professor Severus Snape, the school's Potions Master, leaked messages to the media after House Cup points were finalized. "Slytherin had 472 points and Gryffindor was way behind with 312 points," said Professor Snape. "Then Dumbledore just invents 170 points out of nowhere. It's an absolute scandal!"

Professor Snape, however, has denied betraying Dumbledore's confidence by leaking confidential messages. Sources speculate he may be trying to distance himself from the affair due to his own personal ties to Slytherin House. Favoritism appears to run deep within Hogwarts.

"I only have a few words to say in my defense," said Professor Dumbledore, folding his arms confidently. "Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!"

At publishing time, it was announced that Professor Quirinus Quirrell, who taught Defense Against the Dark Arts, would not be coming back for the next school year, leading many to believe that he may have been sacked for leaking information to the press.

Should you get your kid the new iPhone 14? Of course.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel for more tactical instruction


There are 78 comments on this article.

You must signup or login to view or post comments on this article.