U.S. — Not to be outdone by former President Trump, Hillary Clinton announced she had released her own line of shoes that come with just enough cement in the bottom to sink straight to the bottom of the sea.
"Trump has his little 'Never Surrender' shoes? Well say hello to 'Never Seen Again' sneakers!" said Clinton as she unveiled the shoe at Sneaker-Con. "I've been perfecting these for years. You won't believe how many pairs I've just given away because I love them so much!"
According to Sneaker-Con attendees, Clinton then demonstrated how the sneakers work by placing them on a mannequin and pushing him into an above-ground pool. The mannequin has not been seen or heard from again, and janitorial staff reported that the above-ground pool was found completely empty at the end of the event.
Clinton stated that the sneakers have been in beta for decades, as she worked to get just the right amount of cement. "These sneakers make great gifts for so many occasions," said Clinton. "When someone accuses your husband of sexual assault, when someone can produce evidence that proves your husband committed sexual assault, when someone has the trail of transactions from foreign governments to prove your own corruption, or simply if someone puts too much ice in your tea. For every occasion, there's a Clinton sneaker to match!"
At publishing time, President Biden and Kamala Harris had reportedly each received a new pair of sneakers from Clinton.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
