WASHINGTON, D.C. — At a secret meeting of high-ranking party leadership, Democrats expressed grave concern that President Joe Biden may be too old to complete their party's mission of the utter destruction of the country.

Though Democratic Party power-brokers agree that Biden has served his purpose well in helping to push the United States closer to the brink of collapse, they agree that his advanced age may make it impossible for him to finish the job.

"It's a shame he's so old because he's done such a tremendous job of being awful," said one party official. "We've never seen a leader with such an innate, natural gift for steering the country toward utter annihilation. It's been truly impressive to see the horrific results he has achieved in just a few years. Unfortunately, he may not last long enough to finish it off."

Leading Democrats fear they may be forced to turn to a replacement to ensure the country's demise. "There's certainly a danger that the country will still be standing when President Biden leaves office," said Jaime Harrison, Chairman of the Democratic National Committee. "He's made a lot of progress in just one term in office, and we know a second term would be more than enough time to wipe the United States out of existence… but it looks like Joe's just not going to make it."

At publishing time, after considering alternatives like Kamala Harris and Gavin Newsom, Democrats unanimously agreed that keeping Biden in office after his death would give them the best chance of achieving their ultimate goal.

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