CHAPPAQUA, NY — After revelations that former Presidents and Vice Presidents Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and even Mike Pence had violated federal law by keeping classified documents in their homes, Hillary Clinton took the opportunity to brag that she had kept no classified documents from her time serving as President of the United States.
"For years now, it's been ‘emails, emails, emails,' – now while I may have mishandled classified emails from my time as Secretary Of State, nobody can impugn my record of properly storing and declassifying sensitive materials during my time as President!" The former First Lady and Secretary of State went on Jimmy Kimmel Live to share her achievement.
After the applause died down, Clinton motioned for Kimmel's sound tech team to pull up her Tweet where she had wished "Happy birthday to this future President" with a picture of herself. "When I was running for President in 2016, I knew I would need to be unimpeachable in handling sensitive material – once I got into office, and more to the point, after my term ended, I was careful to declassify, acid-wash, destroy, and otherwise properly handle classified documents. Presidents have to be mindful of these things!"
The applause slowed when Kimmel attempted a light joke acknowledging that Clinton's husband had been President rather than her, and audience laughter quieted as several laser dots appeared on Kimmel's forehead. The studio audience's laughter continued to dwindle as Kimmel's gestures to "cut" to commercial went unacknowledged, with the room growing tense.
At publishing time, a hostage negotiation team was called in and recommended de-escalation tactics instead of a head-on confrontation with Clinton. Several officers were able to escort her peacefully out of Kimmel's studio, at the end of which she posed dramatically and intoned to news cameras "I'm ready for my Presidential close-up, Mr. DeMille."
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: