CHICAGO, IL — Tragedy struck the world and billions of people suddenly and unexpectedly lost their lives as the iconic Doomsday Clock inadvertently sprung forward for daylight saving time, plunging the earth into unspeakable darkness and ushering in the end of humanity as we knew it.
The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists, the bizarrely named nonprofit organization responsible for the Doomsday Clock, issued a statement taking partial responsibility for the horrific gaffe while also placing part of the blame squarely on the nations around the world that stubbornly cling to the utilization of daylight saving time.
"We did make the mistake of programming the tradition of having the clock ‘spring forward' to observe the time change," said President and CEO of the Bulletin of Atomic Scientists Rachel Bronson in the press release. "But none of this would have happened, of course, if most of the industrialized nations of the world would just stop needlessly flipping the clocks forward and backward a couple of times a year. I mean, seriously, why do we even do it anymore?"
The Bulletin's statement largely fell on deaf ears, as nations around the globe continued to report mass casualties that began to occur when the Doomsday Clock suddenly struck midnight. Hospitals were overflowing with victims, cities burned, and riots raged in the streets.
At publishing time, any surviving world leaders were planning to gather at emergency summits in strategic locations to determine the best course of action that would allow them to place the blame for the terrible cataclysm on the shoulders of Donald Trump.
In this instructional video, Chinese soldiers are trained how to shout the wrong pronouns at American forces: