DALLAS, TX—Biblical scholars often disagree, but they've all come to the same conclusion after studying the book of Daniel during an ecumenical council over the weekend: the writing on the wall during King Belshazzar's banquet actually read: "Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself."
"It seems the hand writing on the wall actually spelled out very clearly for King Belshazzar that Jeffrey Epstein didn't kill himself but was murdered to protect the political elites," said Dr. Fred Poe of Dallas Theological Seminary. "This is the interpretation better supported by the text of the transcription 'mene, mene, tekel, parsin."
"It sounds crazy, but it's right there in the passage," said Poe. "We ignored this for so long because we didn't really know what it was talking about. But now that Epstein has passed, we understand what the prophecy means."
Scholars claim the Book of Revelation and other apocalyptic literature supports this conclusion.
"Looking at the text and the apocalyptic symbols in the book of Revelation, the meaning is clear: Epstein didn't kill himself," said one researcher. "The book talks about the harlot and the dragon and there are all these bowls and trumpets and seals and stuff. There are a lot of details to look at, but ultimately they all come together to suggest that Jeffrey Epstein was murdered because he had dirt on the political elite."