WASHINGTON, D.C.—According to sources in Congress, Mitch McConnell briefly distracted Democrats this morning while he signaled for hundreds of conservative judges to sneak by.
"Hey, look over there -- is that Trump committing an impeachable offense!?" he pondered aloud as he walked by the House chambers. "Oh man, he's colluding, corrupting, and conspiring all over the place!"
"Huh? Where? I don't see him," said Nancy Pelosi, craning her neck and blinking furiously to get a better view.
"Oh, right there. Yup, I'm pretty sure that's him. Oh, look, it's Putin and the Ukrainian president with him too -- and they're exchanging some kind of briefcase or something?" McConnell continued, stifling laughter. "But it's probably nothing, never mind."
House Democrats' excitement got the better of them. They scrambled in the direction McConnell was gesturing. "Me first!" screamed Nancy Pelosi as she pulled Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez's hair and hurled her into the wall.
But Rep. Adam Schiff had already jumped on a nearby rolling cart and pushed himself out into the hall, yelling, "I'll get that dastardly Trump if it's the last thing I doooooooooo!" as he propelled himself down the hall and out of view.
As they scurried away, McConnell gave the signal, and a flood of conservative federal judges walked by. After being confirmed by the Senate in under three minutes, they dispersed to serve out their lifetime terms across the country, with the Democrats none the wiser.
At publishing time, McConnell was pulling the stunt again, this time by shouting, "Hey, look guys -- a workable way to pay for Medicare for All!"
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.