PENNSYLVANIA—After Pennsylvania announced it would be banning alcohol sales this week, a mysterious "Beer Baron" began smuggling multiple truckloads of beer into the state, saving Thanksgiving for everyone.
The suspect is described as having orange skin and matching hair and shouting a lot. Footage shows him getting chased by cops, who fired at him with their Tommy guns in high-speed pursuits through the state.
"We will bring this vigilante to justice," said President Trump. "We believe in the rule of law in this country, and it's absolutely despicable that this man is defying the tyrannical rule of Democrat-controlled Pennsylvania. Really, it's very sad. Not good!"
"You'll never take me alive, coppers!" the vigilante cried as he blew through a Pennsylvania police checkpoint. "The people of Pennsylvania deserve freedom!" The man was seen delivering the kegs to pet shops that sprang up overnight in place of closed bars.
"Three cheers for the Beer Baron!" shouted one drunk man as he gnawed on a turkey leg and downed a pint of lager. "Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hip hoowacky wollawooo!"
Strangely, Trump's approval rating skyrocketed in Pennsylvania, with many people asking to withdraw their votes for Biden, after the Beer Baron began his operation.