MADABA, JORDAN — After receiving John the Baptist's head on a platter as requested, Herod's daughter started to wish she had just asked for a cute purse instead.

"Now that I'm looking at this severed head, I kind of wish I had gone with a new dress or something," said Salome, daughter of Herod. "Really feel like mom steered me wrong on this one."

According to sources, Salome had performed the dance of the seven veils for her father's birthday, delighting Herod so much that he vowed to grant her anything she asked. Herod was reportedly distressed over her request for John the Baptist's head, then even more distressed when she seemed to regret her choice.

"I go out of my way to have someone else cut his head off — during my own birthday party — and now she doesn't want it?" said Herod Antipas, incredulous. "It's not like I can just take it back. So ungrateful!"

At publishing time, Salome was enviously eyeing her friend's cute purse while she herself walked around holding a burlap sack with a severed head.

Want proof that Jesus was a woke socialist? Look no further than these classic quotes straight from the Bible.