MYERSTOWN, PA — Local teenager Natalie Bingham politely asked her mom and dad if they would consider ceasing to exist for a few hours while her friends come over.
"When the girls get here, could you maybe just not be around, like, anywhere in the known universe?" asked Natalie. "Or if that's too much, would you please quantum leap into some other universe? I'm just ready for a little more independence."
Though wishing her parents out of all dimensions of space and time, Natalie assured them it was only temporary. "No, I genuinely love you guys. I still like being around you, even at age eighteen," said Natalie. "It's just for the few hours that my friends are here that I was hoping you might give us some space from even the knowledge of your existence. Oh, but could you please make some bagel bites first?"
At publishing time, Mr. Bingham had graciously assured his daughter that he would not embarrass her a single time while doing living room karaoke during her little hangout.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
