The Babylon Bee
12 Environmentally Safe Ways For You Peasants To Stay Warm This Winter

It's been a brutal winter, and many of us are freezing. Unfortunately, most common sources of heat burn fossil fuels that make the earth cry. If your local wind farm is frozen and you're looking for environmentally safe and politically correct ways to stay warm, here are some tips: 

  • Eat less ice cream: Ice cream makes you feel cold. So why are you eating it, you dummy? If you must eat ice cream, try microwaving it first.
  • Burn a pile of problematic books: Book-burning is a great way to stay warm. If you don't have any problematic books (good for you!) you can burn an effigy of Trump.
  • Steal the covers from your wife: She's been stealing them from you for years so she owes you. 
  • Burn with hatred for anyone with different political opinions: Let the warmth flow through you. If you don't have political opinions, watch The Last Jedi and you'll be burning with anger in no time. 
  • Post a killer hot-take on social media: Use lots of fire emojis for even more warmth. 
  • Eat a habanero pepper: It's science. 
  • Support the Green New Deal: Frankly, the fact that this hasn't been passed is why you're cold to begin with. This is all your stupid fault.
  • Stand next to explosive barrels while a video game protagonist shoots them: One of the most proven methods of getting instantly warm. If this doesn't work, get the bombs in Dodongo's Cavern, then blow up the boulder on the path to the right when you enter Hyrule's Castle to visit the Great Fairy's Fountain and acquire Din's Fire. 
  • Live in an active volcano like a supervillain: If Jeff Bezos can do it, so can you.
  • Jog in place indefinitely: Do this while wearing every item of clothing in your closet.
  • Go to the nearest tent city and snuggle with a hobo: You'll make a new friend too! 
  • Just embrace the cold and become an evil snow queen: Gretchen Whitmer has found this to be very effective.

There you go! 12 ways to stay warm! Stop complaining, you filthy peasant. 

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