ETERNAL GLORY — Confirming fears long-held by Christian sports fans, an announcement from Heaven confirmed that God keeps a list of people who leave church early to watch football games.
Though suspected for many years, it was never known for sure if a record was kept to identify individuals who chose the NFL over church. Heaven's press release sent shockwaves through Christian circles as the new football season was set to begin.
"Yes, it's true," said a spokesangel. "This isn't something new. God has been keeping track of this since the beginning. Depending on which time zone you live in, there is always a temptation to leave church early so you can make it home in time for kickoff. The Lord keeps a detailed list of these things. He knows. And He will judge accordingly."
Churchgoers reached for comment were simultaneously fearful and resigned to their fates. "I always wondered about this," said professing Christian and football fan Bill Garrison. "As long as I've been skipping out on the end of sermons to make sure I see the start of every Raiders game, I've worried that there would be consequences. It's troubling to hear… but I get it. Go Raiders, though, right?"
Though the announcement did not detail any punishment someone would receive for being on the list, the spokesangel clarified that the list would be used for something. "He doesn't ever do anything without reason," the angel said. "The people on this list will be on the receiving end of something. They'll just find out when they get here."
At publishing time, unconfirmed rumors circulated that God felt being a Raiders fan was punishment enough for anyone.
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