FORT WAYNE, TX — Local man Dave Mulligan celebrated his 43rd birthday this week with the sad realization that he might never actually own a WWII-era German Panzer IV tank.
"My wife threw me the sweetest birthday party with all my friends and family there and my kids wrote a song for me and it was amazing, but then about halfway through the night, I realized I'm getting up there in years and I might not ever actually drive my very own Panzer tank down the street while my buddies cheer me on and I fire off the occasional celebratory machine gun volley out of the turret. It makes me really wonder what I'm actually doing with my life," Mulligan remarked.
Mulligan's wife, Sarah, noted her husband's somber mood and did her best to cheer him up with a very thoughtful gift of a new airsoft gun and some paintball rounds, to little avail.
"Normally Dave would be thrilled at the prospect of firing off a few rounds from the airsoft gun out in the back yard, but I could tell something was off," Sarah commented. "He took the gun outside and sat there looking off into the distance, occasionally making this weird little ‘boom boom' sound. I could tell something was on his mind."
At publishing time, Dave was last seen researching how much Panzer tanks cost, considering if he had time to work another full-time job, realizing he didn't have the spare time for that, and sinking a little farther into a slight depression that he couldn't really articulate to his wife.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
