HARVARD, MA — It has been a tumultuous week for Ivy League university presidents as they have faced harsh criticism for acts as simple as allowing their students to call for the genocide of the Jews. Most recently, Harvard President Claudine Gay is in even more hot water after reports surfaced that she plagiarized large sections of her Ph.D. thesis, borrowing entire sections from Mein Kampf.
This news comes shortly after UPenn President Liz Magill was forced to resign for paragliding into a school assembly while firing an AK-47 in the air.
"I would like to apologize to the students and faculty for naively plagiarizing Hitler's astounding and courageous work without thinking that it could lead to Antisemitism," said President Gay, "I promise to retract any use of Mein Kampf and have made an appointment to have my newly-inked swastika forehead tattoo removed."
At publishing time, the board of Harvard University had expressed concern at how long it would take to find another president who is black and has the last name of "Gay."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
