CLEVELAND, OH — After months of deliberation over allegations of sexual harassment and assault, the NFL came down hard on Deshaun Watson today by sentencing him to three whole seasons of playing for the Cleveland Browns.
Though recognizing the rare severity of the judgment, commissioner Roger Goodell stood firm by the league's decision. "Heinous crimes deserve equally brutal penalties," said Goodell. "This is no wimpy one-season suspension like we hand out for gambling or wife-beating. No sir, for maximum psychological torture we are first doling out a six-game suspension, so Deshaun will have to sit and watch the absolute beatings he will soon endure. And then, once he has lost all hope, Watson will be declared starting quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. Godspeed!"
A crushed Watson reportedly sank to his knees in disbelief as he heard his punishment read aloud. "There goes my career - and any chance of making it out of this league with half a brain still intact," said Watson. "Three seasons of getting pummeled by vicious 350-pound maniacs, plus the ignominy of being doomed to failure. Being the quarterback in Cleveland is like the modern version of getting put in stocks and whipped before execution! This is my nightmare."
"Might as well just put Deshaun in the grave," said Watson's agent, Rick Benjamin. "Even if my client had done everything he's been accused of, I'm pretty sure this qualifies as cruel and unusual."
At publishing time, Watson's agent had reportedly tried to cheer his client up by booking him a massage.
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