MOSCOW — After months of singlehandedly raising America's gas prices without any help whatsoever from the Biden administration, Russian President Vladimir Putin has mercifully given Americans a short break by lowering the price at the pump. For his benevolence and valor, he has awarded himself the Presidential Medal of Freedom.
"Weakling Joe Biden said all the gas prices are my fault. So when they come down, this is my fault too. You're welcome Americans!" said Putin on state television. "Enjoy 50-cent savings! Putin Price Drop!"
Biden's team was quick to clarify that gas prices are only Putin's fault when they go up. "Biden deserves all the credit for this price drop," said gay black Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre. "That Medal of Freedom isn't even real!" Jean-Pierre then caught one glimpse of a shirtless Putin wearing the medal while riding a bear and instantly turned straight.
At publishing time, OPEC confirmed that they were just waiting for Biden to burn through all of America's strategic oil reserves after which they will quadruple oil prices.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.