WASHINGTON, D.C. — House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has been forced to cancel her planned flight to Taiwan after China announced they have developed deadly surface-to-air vodka-seeking missiles.
"Your politician lady will never get past the awesome might of our XA-12 People's Liberation Army Martini Maimers!" said CCP General Xu Xian Xong. "We dare you to try! Hahahahaha!"
"We were going to continue the trip as planned until China's very serious threat," said a State Department official. "Speaker Pelosi's blood vodka levels are higher than any known American, making it impossible to evade a deadly missile barrage. Plus, she is extremely flammable. It wouldn't be a pretty sight."
Pelosi's team is considering several safer options for her trip, including using Zoom, investing millions in CCP-owned companies in exchange for safe passage, and having her fly below SAM radar on her broomstick.
"I will nobbeee intimidated by Chinese threats," slurred Pelosi while chugging Tito's directly from the bottle. "Muh fooshuuuuuu blarmgiddle. Good morning, Sunday morning."
At publishing time, the CCP also warned Hunter Biden about trying to get past their array of crack-seekers.
Here is a comprehensive list of the only instances it is acceptable for men to shed a tear.