WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a brief address to the nation after once again testing positive for COVID, President Biden warned that we are now in a pandemic of the "quadruple vaccinated."
"Four shots, it's not enough anymore," said Biden. "You need at least five to five hundred thousand thousand thirty-two, um, um, five thousand, blirteen sixty shots. Science told me. Not a joke! At this point, if you haven't gotten the vaccine at least 5 times you're denying the science. Come on!"
The president is calling on all citizens to get quintuple-vaccinated before he catches COVID a third time.
The White House Communications Team backed up Biden's statement, saying: "The President has been very clear from the very beginning of the pandemic and has never once wavered in his opinion in the slightest, and it is a very clear opinion because the President is always clear and in his right mind and he definitely doesn't have severe dementia. If you don't get jabbed at least 5 times you're killing people with COVID. This shouldn't be hard. The science is clear."
At publishing time, Krispy Kreme announced they will entice people into getting quintuple vaxxed by offering two free doughnuts this time.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
