GALILEE — Local fishermen Peter and Andrew were deeply disappointed to discover today that Jesus was not, in fact, going to teach them to catch humans with giant novelty fish hooks.
"He said 'fishers of men', ok?" said Peter dejectedly. "My brother Andrew and I were so amped to try it out, it sounded amazing. Now what am I supposed to do with this enormous hook I bought?"
Jesus was reportedly astonished upon seeing Peter approach him with an eight foot-long fishing hook. "Ohhh wow," said Jesus. "So, I guess you haven't figured this out yet, but I usually speak in parables. Simon Peter, put the enormous fish hook down, for all who catch with man-sized hooks will be caught by man-sized hooks."
Peter and Andrew went away to share the bad news with the rest of the thus-far assembled disciples. "So, we were a little off with the big hook thing," reported Andrew. "And while we're on the subject, these person-sized nets we made are also trash. Jesus says He's going to invite people into His Kingdom instead of grabbing them with hooks - which seems a bit roundabout, but I guess He knows best."
At publishing time, Jesus was seen with his face in his palms after the disciples arrived at the synagogue having covered themselves thoroughly in salt.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
