Half-Hearted Jog Turns Into All-Out Sprint Whenever Car Drives By
Life · Jun 15, 2024 · BabylonBee.com

RALEIGH, NC — Local man Sam Williamson's listless, apathetic jog instantly transformed into a full-on sprint whenever a car drove by this morning.

According to sources, Williamson had set off at a decent pace, but within thirty seconds settled into a gait that barely met the definition of a jog. He intermittently took a step that was more like a power walk, but then would ramp back up to an ambling, languid jog.

Then, at the sound of a car engine in the distance, Williamson's drooping head snapped to attention and he leapt deer-like into a respectable jog. Not seeing any car, Williamson began to relax his pace -- but then, around the corner a block ahead, a white Expedition with what appeared to be a female driver appeared.

Like a flash of lightning, Williamson launched into an all-out sprint, bolting down the sidewalk with a ferocious determination. Though his body cried out in pain, a jolt of adrenaline surged through Williamson's veins, pushing all thoughts of slowing down aside. He locked his gaze straight ahead to ensure no eye contact would be made with the Expedition's driver, then chose a tree three houses past as his target line. Williamson sprinted like the wind.

Then, with the Expedition sufficiently in the rearview, Williamson stumbled back into a half-walk-half-jog, sucking air desperately. His lungs afire and side cramping, Williamson resigned to a brief walk before resuming his sluggish jog.

At publishing time, the same exact scene had repeated itself nine more times.

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