BARI, ITALY — President Biden, who has for decades now pretended to be Catholic, took time away from the G7 summit this week to meet with a Pope who also enjoys pretending to be Catholic.
"Well hello there, fellow 'Catholic'! Hail Mary, am I right?" laughed Biden. "Ho-ho, what fun!"
According to sources present at the meeting, Biden and Pope Francis shared several great tips on pretending to be Catholic, as well as enjoying hearty laughs about people who actually thought they were Catholic. "See, if you just dress in a big white robe and wear a giant cross necklace, everyone will totally think you're Catholic," explained the Pope. "I met this Chinese refugee the other day who was actually Catholic, he comes up to me and asks why I handed over the Chinese Catholic church to the Communist Party, and I was like, 'HA! I got you so good! I'm not even Catholic, bruh!' It was so classic."
For his part, Biden shared stories of randomly pulling out a rosary to threaten anyone who doubted his Catholicism. "So I tell the guy, 'If you don't think I'm Catholic, I will choke you to death with a rosary!' Haha, murder," laughed Biden. "This was fun, Francis. You just really get me, man. Welp, I have to get going. I've got to be back home for an abortion rally. Toodles!"
At publishing time, the Pope had announced he would be hosting Stephen Colbert so he could also meet a comedian who enjoys pretending to be Catholic.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
