COLUMBUS, OH — Local man Jackson Hund was overjoyed to learn that the woman breaking up with him totally wanted to still be friends.
"Wow, I feel amazing now. What a relief!" said Hund, who moments earlier was in the depths of depression. "Still friends? Yippee hooray!"
Hund's girlfriend Kristy Owens broke up with him at her apartment, initially leading to tears being shed before she shared the good news about staying friends. "Gosh, at first I felt like I was dying inside. It hurt so bad," reported Hund. "Then she told me she still saw me as a brother in Christ and wanted to remain friends, and the tears just dried up! I'm so thrilled with how this all turned out!"
According to sources, Hund thinks the former couple will totally work better as friends and could not have agreed more with Owens' assessment. "I am just over the moon that we can still be friends. It's what every guy hopes for when the woman they hoped to marry breaks up with them," said Hund. "How wonderful!"
At publishing time, Hund was further elated to learn that the problem in their relationship wasn't him, it was her.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
