MILLARD, DE - It was while the ax was dropping into his spleen that Tony Marcus realized a lifelong dream was coming true. He had been a fan of true crime podcasts for years but never dreamed he would get to be on one. Now, totally unexpectedly, it was happening. With each thud of the ax into his torso, his life was draining from his body and his wish list was filling up.
This was it. He would be on a podcast.
Yes, though he did eventually kick the bucket, Marcus's family said he also kicked one thing off his bucket list. "He loved them all; Serial, Monster, My Favorite Murder... it was an industry he really wanted to get into but he couldn't seem to get his foot in the door," said Marcus's mother Abileen Marcus. She told reporters that Marcus had tried to start his own true-crime podcast but had fallen short in one important area: murdering.
Experts in the field say that without murder, a true-crime podcast will really have a hard time getting off the ground. "One life per episode, minimum," said True Crime podcast host Yearling Smith. "They must pay not only with their blood, but their very soul."
Family members take solace in the fact that Marcus died doing something he loved, and as true crime junkies, they are all excited to listen to the inevitable podcast episode he makes it onto. "We're OK with him being on Investigation Discovery or something dry like that, but what we really hope for is for him to be on one of those sillier true crime podcasts like My Favorite Murder. If there is one thing a family really wants to hear after their loved one is chopped up with an ax, it's a couple of improv comedians using their death as a springboard for on-the-fly quips amidst middle-aged women cackling to the point of tears," Marcus's brother Dillon Marcus told the press.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.