DIAGON ALLEY, LONDON — The world-renowned Gringotts Bank has filed for bankruptcy and is closing its doors permanently, sources confirmed Thursday, after admitting that its business model of hoarding its customers' gold in a giant cavern guarded by a "friggin' dragon" is unsustainable and fiscally unsound.
The bank pioneered the risky business model of taking customers' gold and sticking it into vaults, failing to invest it in safe commodities or stocks in order to yield a return on interest, and then spending tons of money to guard it in an extremely expensive and convoluted system of caverns and rails. But, after 549 years in business, it proved to be an untenable way of doing business.
Gringotts Bank was recently left with an enormous stockpile of gold that wasn't being invested properly, and with no real means of generating revenue to sustain its operations. Catching wind of its dire financial status, Head of Magical Law Enforcement Harry Potter made a large withdrawal of coins from his vault, prompting others to do the same and leading to a massive run on the bank.
"Yeah, I guess we should have invested some of that gold, and maybe cut some costs by not building a giant roller coaster system and, you know…acquiring a dragon," said one goblin banker as he packed his things into a cardboard box. "You live and you learn."
At publishing time, the Wizarding World had suffered another severe cultural blow as several Quidditch Leagues unexpectedly went bankrupt as everyone suddenly realized the rules of Quidditch don't make any sense.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
