U.S. - A grim new study has found that all two million Americans who took a plane trip yesterday are now dead of COVID. The millions of citizens innocently flying on airplanes, completely safe from the virus because they were wearing masks in a tiny cylinder hurtling through the air with 200 other people, instantly dropped dead as soon as the mask mandate was struck down by a federal judge.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the mask mandate has been lifted. You are free to take off your masks if you choose!" said one elated flight attendant, removing her mask for the first time at work in over two years. Cheers went up from the cabin, but they were quickly subdued as, one by one, every passenger in the cabin dropped dead of COVID. The pilots, flight engineers, first officers, and attendants also instantly dropped dead of COVID. In a scene that looked like it belonged in a Left Behind movie, thousands of planes dropped from the sky as their operators died of the virus.
"I tried to tell them," said Dr. Fauci during a press conference. "I've been trying to warn you all of this for years, and nobody listened. If you all had just paid a little more attention to me, watched one of my hit Disney+ documentaries, and followed the science - err, I mean, followed the me - this all could have been avoided. This is a dark day indeed."
Uber didn't heed the warning of what happened in the skies yesterday and also lifted its own mandate this morning, causing tens of thousands more deaths in just the first few hours of the day.
Watch as a fired Twitter employee applies for her first *actual* job: