U.S. - Liberals across the country are concerned about the removal of the mask mandate, seeing viral video after viral video of people cheering on airplanes because they no longer have to wear masks. But their conservative friends, known for being compassionate and caring, assured them that "this will only last for a couple of weeks, and then we can go back to the new normal."
"Look, we just need two weeks to flatten the curve of tyranny, and this will all be over," said Ron DeSantis during a press conference designed to assuage the fears of liberal Floridians on Tuesday. "Let's all hunker down, do our part, chip in, make some sacrifices, and go outside without a mask on, for just a couple of weeks. I assure you it won't go any longer than that."
Republican lawmakers across the country addressed worry over the removal of masks by pointing out that "we're all in this together" and that "if this saves one toddler from a speech impediment it's all worth it."
Conservative Christians gently chided their progressive theythren by pointing out that not wearing a mask is just following the science and loving your neighbor, and that if you wear a mask you're not being a good, loving Christian. They also referenced Romans 13, explaining how the CDC doesn't think masks work anymore and so we should submit to their governing authority and wisdom.
Liberals are taking the comforting words well, screaming at the sky a little less loudly than they were before.
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Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
