LANSING, MI—According to sources, self-proclaimed Queen of Michigan Gretchen Whitmer, formerly of the kingdom of Charn, has cast a magic spell upon the entire land of Michigan, creating a hundred-year winter of hopelessness and despair.
"It is winter in Michigan," said one local resident, looking sadly out the window. "And it has been for ever so long… always winter, but never Christmas.”
According to many fearful Michigan residents who asked to remain anonymous, Whitmer was banished to the Upper Peninsula 900 years ago but later returned to usurp the throne and cast Michigan into darkness. She enforces her will with the help of her Secret Police.
"I am the Queen, you are my people. What else are you there for but to do my will?" said Queen Whitmer with a wicked laugh before turning a beautiful butterfly to stone.
There are whispers of an orange-haired hero who will someday return to reclaim the throne, end the winter, and bring back Christmas. Unfortunately, he has been delayed by what he claims is a "totally rigged and fraudulent election."