Green New Deal To Replace All Cars With Guy Running Behind You Banging Two Empty Coconut Halves Together
Politics · Aug 13, 2019 ·

WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Green New Deal was laughed off as unrealistic when it was first introduced. But its architects were not deterred by the haters and pressed on trying to iron out the details of the plan that will soon save the world.

In particular, their plan to get rid of all cars seemed to be slightly farfetched, as well as their promises to pave the streets with gold and give everyone a carbon-neutral unicorn. 

While the GND's proponents are still stumped by the unicorn question, they've finally come up with a workable solution for the transportation portion of the plan: the government will provide every person in the country with a guy running behind him or her banging two empty coconut halves together to simulate the sound of a horse galloping.

Unfortunately, they ran into another problem when they realized that coconuts aren't native to most parts of the country. They could fly them in, but that would use a lot more carbon, foiling the plan. 

"Hmmm... do coconuts migrate?" Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez pondered aloud in a Green New Deal brainstorming meeting. Her colleagues sighed.

"Well, they could be carried," said Senator Ed Markey, pointing out that perhaps two European swallows could carry a coconut over to our country together, holding the coconut on a line under their dorsal guiding feathers.

Ocasio-Cortez then accused him of racism for not wanting to use an African swallow, derailing the meeting.

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