LANSING, MI—Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer has ordered all citizens to barbecue indoors this Memorial Day.
The executive order restricts all Memorial Day barbecue celebrations to inside only.
"You're more than welcome to celebrate your freedoms with a barbecue as long as you don't go outside," she said, wagging her finger like a school teacher. "Naughty boys and girls hold barbecues outdoors where the big, scary coronavirus can get them. Good boys and girls barbecue inside where it is safe."
Anyone who disobeys the order will be put on time-out and sent to bed without any dessert. Those who continually disobey will be grounded and have their Nintendo privileges taken away.
At publishing time, sources had confirmed this restriction would likely be extended through Labor Day 2025.
Get Free Access To Our Brand New Site: Not the Bee
After creating The Babylon Bee in six literal days, Adam Ford rested. But he rests no longer. Introducing Not the Bee — a brand new humor-based news site run by Adam himself. It's loaded with funny content and all the best features of a social network. And the best part? Everyone with a subscription to The Bee gets full access at no extra cost.