USA--As part of a sweeping initiative to help unclog the economic constipation caused by the coronavirus quarantine, the White House announced they are printing out fresh, crisp dollar bills for every US citizen.
“We understand the hardship this quarantine has put on people,” the White House explained in a press briefing. “Parents aren’t able to drop their kids off at the pool. Florists have had to stop putting soil in the pot. With sports events canceled, we can’t take the Browns to the Super Bowl. Until things get flowing again, we see this as the obvious solution to a situation that has taken a definite plunge.”
The administration explained that, while it’s possible the money might help get things flowing again for people who are in need of a strong push financially, the more practical use will be for those who have run out of toilet paper: “As the economic stoppage causes the dollar’s value to take a dump, we see this as a great alternative to increasingly scarce toilet paper.”
The statement also included several best practices for making the most use out of each crisp, worthless dollar bill, and even some tips on precise folding techniques in order to avoid defacing the United States’ first president.
Some remain critical of the action, saying it doesn’t go far enough. Bernie Sanders, who is adorably still in the running for the Democratic presidential nomination, stated, “This will only last us a couple of weeks. We need to print billions in crisp singles for every American if we’re truly going to wipe up this mess!”
Breaking: PayPal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered PayPal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added PayPal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.