WASHINGTON, DC - Members of Congress told reporters Friday they can't wait to read through the massive economic stimulus package they passed earlier today in response to the Coronavirus crisis.

"As with other important legislation, we have to pass the bill to find out what is in it," said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-CA). Other lawmakers voiced similar sentiments, telling sources they were excited to learn about all the wonderful, economy-altering mandates contained in the bill they voted on and supported.

"We couldn't waste time reading through the bill. We had to do something, Americans are hurting," Senator Richard Burr (R-NC) told reporters, as he hung up the phone with his stockbroker after authorizing another lucrative stock trade.

At publishing time, members of Congress were lining up in front of network cameras to tell Americans how much they will benefit from the bill they have yet to read.