WASHINGTON, D.C.—The city of Washington has declared a state of emergency after the Almighty condemned the city, being unable to find ten righteous people anywhere near the nation's capital.
Senator Ben Sasse attempted to intercede for the city after the Lord revealed his plans to smite the home of the federal government, begging the Lord to spare the city if even fifty righteous could be found among the "wretched hive of scum and villainy."
"Lord, what if there are fifty righteous there? Will you sweep away the righteous with the wicked?" Sasse prayed, and God reportedly agreed to spare the city for even fifty. But after God was unable to find fifty, Sasse reduced the threshold to merely forty-five.
This continued until a desperate Sasse got all the way down to 10, and finally, the Nebraska senator relented from his pleading with the Lord, confident that the city would be spared.
But God could not find ten righteous people in the city, and the fire and brimstone started falling shortly after, with politicians and lobbyists fleeing the city in terror throughout the afternoon.
"I thought for sure that would work," Sasse said as he fled his office.