BETHESDA, MD — With 2022 midterm elections nearing, President Biden spoke at a Maryland political rally to an audience of thousands eager to see if he was still alive. The president's speech was not without gaffes, however, and at one point a giant shepherd's crook slowly emerged from offstage as he began another racist story.

As it was Biden's third racist story of the night, and immediately followed an attempt to flirt with a nine-year old girl, his handlers decided it was time to end the rally, vaudeville-style.

"Why, I remember when I was the only white, well-spoken college basketball player on the East coast," said Biden as he deftly dodged the oversized hook so he could continue making up the story on the fly. "I had to fight for every rebound and keep from getting knifed by all those tall, inner-city fellas. You know the ones."

Desperate, Biden's team of handlers rolled out a giant gong and began pounding it relentlessly, but there was no stopping the president.

"You know the thing I love most about women is this..." Biden continued, as an aide shoved the pyrotechnic engineer aside and ignited all of the fireworks at once.

The audience, unfazed by the overwhelming distractions, listened attentively as Biden wove a narrative tapestry of racism, sexism, antisemitism, and more.

Eventually, as Biden was claiming he stole the 2020 election, an aide dressed as China's Xi Jinping and flashing a checkbook distracted him long enough for the shepherd's crook to yank the U.S. president offstage.

At publishing time, trusted fact checkers confirmed that Biden did, in fact, give a flawless speech and that orange man was, indeed, bad.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.